I can't breathe

Yesterday: I finally got the damned residence permit and had Pizza Hut deliver me dinner to celebrate.
Today: I still couldn't go back to Mumbai because one of the airlines is on strike, so everything is booked solid. We even looked at trains or buses, but that's talking 15+ hours of terrestrial travel and only non-AC was available. The guest house I checked out of (for the second time) is booked, so I'm sleeping on the sofa at the office unless a colleague decides to take me in. (Scratch that, I took a break from writing this to tell the admin that staying at the office is not okay--he booked me a room somewhere.)

And, the real doozy.

Thinking long and hard about whether to stay or go, I've realized a few things about myself that I can't believe I never saw so clearly ... and have absolutely no idea what to do with. I'm not sure which is more painful, (1) bumbling in the dark not getting what I want or (2) having the blinding light of truth flipped on and seeing that the problem all along has been ME! Crushing blow, really.

Realizations:
1. I don't know how to evaluate companies, bosses, or even the job itself before accepting the offer.
2. My choices don't get me what I want, but I obviously somehow thought they would, so I don't know what to do.
3. I don't know what my bottom lines are--where I'm willing to compromise and where I'm not.
4. It's really hard for me to accept and work around things I don't like.

It's been a long time since I've felt this horrible about myself. What good is being smart if I make such foolish choices? How will I ever get what when I don't trust myself to make good decisions and I'm so intolerant of things that aren't just right?

I'm at a loss.

Maybe this is why I needed to come here. Maybe these realizations are worth all the discomfort of being in India without sufficient salary to enjoy it and without anyone helping me navigate the craziness, working for this organization and this boss. Maybe. But right now, I can't breathe.