The story

I'd had two big conversations with my boss over the past few weeks. I initiated the first because, after about a month at the company, I had a good idea how things worked and what my job entailed ... and it wasn't good for me. I laid out to my boss what things worked for me and where I could add a lot of value, as well as what didn't work for me and where my skills were being wasted. She agreed that I could do more of the things that I wanted to do ... along with everything else. heh

We also talked about salary and level. I was brought in at the entry level along with people fresh out of college, and thought that was inappropriate given my six years work experience and the fact that one of the things I'd proposed was to develop a comprehensive business strategy for our main publication. She said she'd look into it, but warned me that the company's philosophy was to bring people in low and prove their worth. Also, that expats don't stay long, so why pay them more?

(Nevermind that Indians don't stay long either, and that maybe, just maybe, the reason they've had bad luck with expats is that they must pay for their own flight and visa, are provided no logistical support or orientation on living in India, and might bust their humps only to be told they hadn't quite "proven themselves" and so would get no raise.)

In fact, the CEO wants people who are really passionate about the cause (microfinance and social enterprise), and thinks paying people more won't attract better people. He'll give big bonuses and raises to those who prove themselves. I'm sure this M.O. is really motivating to some people -- if I do exceptional work, I'll be recognized and compensated. However, I've learned that I don't respond well to this. I want a company to hire me thinking I'm good, pay me and treat me accordingly. This extreme "prove yourself" thing seems both mistrusting and more than a little dubious. Couldn't they always find something to disqualify you and say "better luck next year"?

Another reality: I don't make enough to enjoy my life in Mumbai. Elsewhere in India, where the cost of living is much lower, it wouldn't be much of a problem. But life in India is hard and I can't live comfortably (alone, gym membership, travel on holidays, etc.) without dipping into savings. I was told that several people on the team lived alone. True. Two live in apartments near the office that are one room with a bathroom -- like a studio apartment with no kitchen. No kitchen. Another girl clearly has family money rolling in because the rent for her gorgeous apartment equals her entire salary. And the boss, who clearly makes way more than I do.

I want to buy a blender so I can make smoothies and shakes with all the yummy fresh fruit, but I don't feel like I can afford it. I'm second guessing the financial impact of buying a freakin' blender? Something's not right here.

Ahhh, so the second conversation was about the promotion and raise. I was given 6 months (that is, until December) to prove myself worthy of the position I think I should have now, and the possibility of back pay. I was clearly unhappy and, when she pressed me, mentioned that I'd been tasked with developing the business strategy (again, pointing out that it's not an entry-level task) and a few of the shortfalls I saw with the current product. She told me I'd been too critical since I arrived and not believing in the products didn't bode well for my promotion.

(She was right. I'd been too critical. I blame it on being shocked by the lack of plans, processes, and organization in the group. Basically, I couldn't squelch the "what?! you've got to be kidding. we should do xyz." This is bad. I should've squelched some of that. The gaps were so obvious and the path forward so logical -- to me -- that I assumed they'd be well received. Not so. My fault. Note to self: practice biting tongue until you learn to be more diplomatic.)

When it came down to it, though, the big clincher was that I realized the work environment and company culture were not conducive to me doing good work. And if I can't do good, I won't ever "prove myself" and, more importantly, what am I doing here?

I asked my sister if I could quit without feeling guilty about what the company would do to cover my work after I'm gone. She said YES and that the company would figure out what was best for it. All I can do is figure out what's best for me. Judging by the elation that I feel, I'd say maybe I don't suck as much as I thought (see previous post about me hating myself). Yay.