Why am I here?

The realization that I´m almost 25% done with my year here has me a little bit panicked. Why haven´t I learned more Spanish? Why haven´t I improved more as a teacher? Why haven´t I been taking salsa classes or attending more cultural events? Why haven´t I travelled more? Why don´t I have more Chilean friends? Why haven´t I been wooed by Chilean Don Juans who sing of my beauty and pledge their undying adoration?

My host mom doesn´t help the panic, as she frequently urges me to do more, meet more people, and visit more places. She´s probably only trying to encourage me, but it comes across as criticism. I take lots of deep breaths and remind myself that ...

I am learning Spanish pretty quickly, and definitely faster than I would taking night classes in the States. I love it. I talk to whoever will listen. Most people are patient, to the point that I get flustered if they aren´t. Like the woman at the metro who called over the security guard because she thought I was a trouble-maker. A whole ´nother story, that.

I am improving as a teacher. I generally feel very comfortable in front of class and have developed rhythm and rapport with my students. The lesson planning is getting easier, especially estimating how long activities will take and how much guidance the students need. Most are doing well on the quizzes, and of the ones who aren´t, most have spotty attendance records. I´ve offered extra help to the ones who come to class but are still struggling.

Pfffff ... social, cultural, and travel stuff is more complicated. It´s hard to know if I´m doing my best and need to cut myself some slack OR if I´m being a bum and need to kick myself into gear. On the upside, I´m meeting my intercambio (language exchange) friend this afternoon for hanging out and English/Spanish practice. I have a house party to go to this weekend and an invitation to a BBQ/birthday celebration next Monday. I also might have a date, but my fledgling Spanish skills make for (I hope/I fear) comical attempts at flirting by text message. I went to salsa classes, but found every class except salsa. And I´ve started making a list of places I want to visit.

So, little by little, I hope I´m making progress on all counts. I can already feel the tension, though, of competing priorities. Why am I here? Before I arrived, one of my top priorities was travel. Another was learning Spanish. But now I realize that if I travel on weekends, I miss out on stuff going on here, like meeting new friends and speaking Spanish with them. Those things are important to me, especially in building my quality of life here. I guess all I can do with my priorities is juggle them ... just like everyone else, no?